Text: Florian Bockholt/Anna Davydova
Dear reader,
"You are a God who sees me" is the current slogan for the year.
What does this sentence evoke in you?
Over the course of my life, this sentence has triggered many different reactions in me.
When I was 6 years old and my father left me and our family, it was a safe retreat, a fortress.
As I got older and was bullied at school, had few friends, and my father's infrequent visits stopped entirely, it was a hope.
Our image of God defines how we see him and how we experience his love.
When I was young, after more than 10 years of prayer, my relationship with my father hadn't changed, when school had become a terrible place for me, where I was only bullied and rejected. After I was "rejected" by the youth pastor of my church because I came to church in my metal phase with combat boots and a leather coat, God felt more and more rejecting for me.
Having great difficulty in my education in my early 20's, I became increasingly hopeless and gradually became addicted to cannabis and pornography and developed depression as long experienced rejection and bullying made me cynical and harsh criticism of one's opinions practiced after dysfunctional system. This led to my being rejected by most of the class teachers and classmates. At this point I prayed more out of habit, but I rejected his instructions for the good life. I felt like I'd tried it his way long enough. I saw God as powerless during this time.
When I moved to Berlin in my mid-20s and went back to church there, I wanted to start over. I wanted to start over with God, but my addictions and depression had a grip on me. Due to my injuries, I was hardly able to enter into sustainable relationships. I have tried again and again to come to God, to the faith that was so natural in my childhood and early youth but has become unattainable through the walls of injury and so I experienced God as rejecting and unloving and even flawed.
It was only when I had to have heart surgery, an artificial heart valve, and a year later a pacemaker after a serious illness in the course of which I had to have heart surgery, that I was slowly able to admit to myself that I wasn't able to manage my life myself. At that point I realized that I needed God's love and care in my life. In October 2022 I was baptized again and since then have experienced God as a good father for the first time in my life. I have decided to walk back into God's arms, allow Him to correct me and heal my wounds. This process is painful and sometimes I would like to run away, but I know today that I cannot lead a life that fulfills me. My destiny is to follow a God who sees me as I am and loves and accepts me just as I am and as he made me.
who sees you What does God see when he looks at you?
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